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I'm done for awhile.  Let's call it a break.  I have to tend to things including my health, I think, both physical and mental.  I'm pretty much closing up shop at the studio, too.  I've been through a couple rough relationships this year (that were exciting nonetheless), had knee surgery and diverticulitis, worked every day at the factory, and continued to churn this out, too.  I had interest in my photography from a significant gallery that in the end didn't come to fruition and an offer to be part of a group show in NYC that seems to have fallen apart. 

All in all, I'm more than exhausted. 

I'm shutting down at a piss-poor time as the daily readership has rebounded nicely.  But it is better to pause on top than when everything is truly in the gutter.  I may be gone for weeks.  I may be gone for months.  I don't know.  Since I don't have any way to let you know, just check back from time to time if you are so inclined. 

I'll see you in a bit.  So, as they say. . . until then. . . .

Things Will Be Fine

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I wake my first morning in Albuquerque in a whiskey and Xanax daze.  I feel good but slow and dopey.  I will simply sit and wait for this to pass.  The hotel in which I am staying is tastefully appointed and elegant, my room smallish but comfortable.  The sun is up and beginning to light desert morning after last night's rain, the sky a high marbled blue and gray. 

I was able to pack the night before my flight with the help of someone said she is a bad packer, too.  I inevitably bring too little or too much of the wrong things and always forget something or some things.  But the bag was packed and we were able to eat a wonderful dinner at my new favorite sushi restaurant, drinking sake and talking the way we always do. . . incessantly.  I love to talk to her for she is bright and accomplished and is good at the form of it.  We look good together, I think, at least it seems so, and I like that about her, too.  She said she would like to take me to the airport in the morning, and I said that I would like that, too.  And even though she might not have been good at giving packing advice, the advice she did give was comforting in that I did not feel alone at and would not feel as bad when later the packing had not been adequate.  At the minimum, she made the night pass without anxiety and she asked if I wanted her to check in on the cat while I was gone.  It has been phenomenal the way the cat has taken to her as she never has anyone, running to her when she comes wanting to be petted and loved.  Like me, my friend is allergic to the cat, but she will rub and love old puss until the cat is worn out with it and lies limp and content.  And so I gave her a key to the house and showed her how to work all the various contraptions including the four remotes it takes to get all the cable and Apple t.v. things to work.  My worries about leaving were exponentially reduced. 

My flight to Albuquerque was not until 10:30 in the morning, so there was plenty of time for coffee and talk and last minute preparations that for me are always endless.  But we were off in good time and she dropped me off at the curb with a long and for me a heartfelt embrace.  It had been a very long time since a trip began with an tender goodbye, sweet and aching. 

I am no believer in signs, I tell myself and others, too, but my flight to Dallas/Ft. Worth was already delayed an hour and a half when I got to the airport. That would keep me from making my connection to Albuquerque.  And so I was required to get into a long line at the ticket counter and wonder where I would be when nighttime came.  Inauspicious start, I thought with a sense of dread and doom descending upon me.  I was shrouded in misgivings.  But it was time to get Zen which was the point of the trip anyway.  I needed de-stressing and was determined to relax and find my inner peace again.  And it was already working as I just went with the crowd and followed the flow of inevitable events wanting to be beatific and to enjoy whatever happened around me. 

And it seemed to be working.  The ticket agent was a nice lady who put me on the next flight out.  It was possible if everything went well that I would still make my connecting flight.  If not, I had a seat on the flight that followed.  I would be in Albuquerque by nightfall.  While waiting in the main terminal, I decided to sit down pay some bills by telephone.  I ate some yogurt with granola and fruit and drank a big bottle of water.  I felt good.  The time I'd lost in the flight delay had not been wasted. It was time to head to the boarding gate.  It was finally time to go.

Except the flight I was booked on didn't have a co-pilot.  And so we sat and waited as even later flights left before ours.  I sat and looked around without emotion.  I practiced my meditation trying to let everything go. 

When we boarded the plane ever so late, I was in a very small center seat.  I crossed my arms and closed my eyes.  Ommmm.   I opened them once when the beverage cart came around.  "Bloody Mary, please." The flight attendant waved me off as I tried to pay.  This is good, I thought, a better sign.  I thought of the vitamin C in the tomato juice and the power of the spices and the antiseptic powers of alcohol.  I felt good again and closed my eyes.  Ommmm. 

And good things continued to align.  Lucky enough, we flew into the same gate as the one from which I was to depart.  That flight had been delayed, too, so that in the end of a very long day, I arrived a mere hour behind the original time.  I thought back to my friend's embrace when I left.  "This isn't an inauspicious beginning," she said.  "It is just a delay, that is all." She, of course, had been right. 

When I got my car, I asked the agent about places to eat.  I asked him for good restaurants and the better parts of town.  I told him where I was staying, the Hotel Parq Central.  He shook his head. 

"I hope you like ghosts," he said.  "That place is haunted.  It used to be a mental institute.  I couldn't stay there myself." 

I, of course, was intrigued.  I'd had my secretary pick the place for me as my last days at work were too hectic and tiring for me to manage.  It was expensive and very upscale, and I had been hoping that it was within walking distance of some very nice things, but the rental agent said it was as far south as I would want to go in Albuquerque and he began circling things on a map as places that were nice.  He told me the name of a restaurant that I would like. 

"It is everybody's favorite place in Albuquerque," he said. 

When I got to my car, it was a Chevy Malibu.  It was big enough, but Jesus, Chevrolets have some of the worst interiors in the world.  No matter which model I get when I rent a car, it is like driving a tank with portals to look through.  The sky was turning black, the wind blowing a cold wind.  I was not prepared and my sense of gloom was returning.  I programmed the hotel address into my phone and drove. 

I pulled off the interstate and within a block saw the hotel.  It was fabulous looking, but I wondered at its being so close to the interstate highway.  The area looked fairly blighted.  Two big hospitals were within sight as I drove on to the bucolic looking grounds.  Inside, though, there was little doubt.  This was without doubt a very nice hotel.  I took a look at my room and checked out the amenities and thought I might not need to leave the grounds.  The top floor had a chi-chi bar full of well-appointed people.  In the morning breakfast was served downstairs.  My bed was soft and white and full of fluffy things.  But I was hungry, and on the advice of the car rental agent, I programmed the name of the restaurant into Yelp and mapped my route. 

It was in what I could only call a seedy part of town.  But there it was, the only clean and modern building on the street.  Maybe, I thought.  Perhaps. 

I was seated in the bar area full of giant t.v.s showing sporting events.  I ordered a very average margarita.  The salsa and chips were like those you would get at any chain restaurant.  I ordered a ribeye and beans.  It was the sort of steak you might get at Longhorns.  I ordered another drink and wondered why I thought that rental agent knew anything about lovely restaurants.  I saw a liquor store in the parking lot next to the hotel.  I would need scotch to take care of my stomach. 

When I got to the hotel, I decided to drive a bit around the area to see what there was.  I headed downtown which was at six o'clock closed up tight.  The bums were finding their nests for the night.  This was not the place for evening fun.  I made an intuitive turn across town and went back toward the hotel on another street.  Here were some things, a hippy looking restaurant, a organic looking grocery store, a diner and some other businesses of that ilk.  I drove past the hotel and continued on in the opposite direction.  Route 66, or what once was, past the University of New Mexico and all the college shops, on to what is supposed to be the fashionable part of town, Nob Hill, the road full of those old forties and fifties hotel signs and rundown structures, some just rubble, some replaced, some still operating as budget motels, onward into the setting sun, the traffic thinning, the road rising into the distant mountains, me beginning to feel a bit better. . . onward. 

In my room, it was time for bed at home and too early for bed in Albuquerque.  What else was there to do but to pop a Xanax and poor a whiskey and climb into bed and turn on the hotel's only disappointment, a t.v. full of commercial channels and to flip it to an NBA playoff game which didn't matter to me until I began to watch, finishing the last whiskey with the games last exciting possession.  Lights off, I snuggled down to sleep. 

And sleep I did until it was time to rise back on the east coast but too early to rise here.  Being on vacation and being free, I made a quick decision.  Half a Xanx and a shot of whiskey.  I even felt good about it. 

And so, as I began.  I am groggy now, but I am on my third cup of coffee now without feeling the need to rush out and find the coolest most obscure or hippest thing to make everyone envious of my experiences.  I will splash some water on my face and go downstairs to breakfast and then slowly explore the town.  It will be fine, I think.  Things will be fine.

Madness and a Good Hotel

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I spent yesterday doing little.  I woke in my beautiful bed and stepped down the hallway to the coffee urn.  I read, I wrote, I texted, and then I went downstairs to have breakfast--quiche, a hardboiled egg, and a sweet bun with milk.  The room was bright and cheerful, and I felt the benefits of staying in a former mental institute.  I was decompressing, going slow.  I would allow myself to do little or nothing, but I surely would not run around at top speed trying to make sure I did "enough." I am over doing "enough." I will do less than enough from now on. 

I loaded up my cameras and drove a couple miles up Central, the old Rt. 66, to what I had been informed was the "chic" part of town where you could walk among small shops.  Nob Hill it is designated.  You could walk, alright, on dirty sidewalks among thrift stores and cheap tourist shops and local bars and restaurants, but there was nothing upscale about it.  Just past the University of New Mexico, there are remnants of the fifties, old hotel signs mostly, some still operating at $29/night--clean rooms--vacancy.  The sidewalks were filled with vagrants, mostly tattooed, many with big packs and large bags full of their possessions.  Walking around with two cameras, I looked like the fellow you should ask for a dollar.  Its a good thing I always have a big roll of singles in my pocket.  At one old motel, as I was taking snaps, a rough looking woman came out of the office wanting to know what I was doing. 

"I'm just taking photos of old motels.  I'm not a private eye," I grinned.  "I'm not a cop.  I'm just taking pictures." 

She shook her head.  "Might be nice if you ask first." 

"Do you mind if I take one more picture?" I asked. 

"People take them and make money off them," she said as if I were robbing her.

"How much you think I can get for this one?" I chuckled. 

She wasn't amused. 

Somehow, I tired of this, and so I decided to drive to the southern part of the city called "Old Town" which was another place recommended to me for walking and seeing interesting things.  People in Albuquerque have some funny ideas about what one might want to see.  "Old Town" was a bunch of adobe buildings, perhaps some of historical importance, that were full of tourist shops selling Native American "art." It went on and on and on in its sad and empty way.  I found myself at the tourist center and decided to look for some information, maps, mostly, telling me where I might want to go.  The woman working the counter was very helpful, but when I asked her about driving south of town, she was at a loss.  She hadn't been south for about twenty years, she said.  Over and over, I found this to be true.  People in Albuquerque only went north, it seemed, into the higher elevations where it was cooler.  The south was desert.  It was hot.  I wondered what sort of people might be living there, then.   Outlaws and miscreants, I assumed.  The crazy and insane.  But how much worse could it get?  Albuquerque is odd enough.  The people are strange, the landscape spooky. 

After lunch on the porch of a fairly nice restaurant, I headed for the Museum of History and Art.  It was a wonderful structure with beautiful grounds surrounding it, very impressive.  But it was no art museum, not in the traditional sense.  They weren't buying or renting the masterpieces here.  The rooms were full of local artists and children's art and maps and posters about the local culture. 

I decided it was time to head south, if only a bit, just to see what was out there.  I'd had enough of Albuquerque.  And so I followed Central as far as is would go, once again driving among remnants of the old Rt. 66 mostly in the form of old signs.  There was a car lot with the old, triangular colored flags I remembered from when I was a kid, but this all seemed wrong like twisted memories of a better time.  The road was full of motorcycles.  There were biker rallies all across the state for Memorial Day.  Surely there would be beatings and shootings.  There is something definitely wrong with gang members.  Look at the mugshots from the arrests in Waco and you will see.  They are all cockeyed sons of bitches and smart as a carp or a retarded pit bull, perhaps.  I don't enjoy them so much.  But New Mexico seems to attract them like dogs to a pile of cat shit.  They just love to eat 'em some cat shit. 

I grew up with them.  I have known them all my life.  You can trust me on this.  They are not a romantic lot. 

Eventually the traffic thinned, and the road I was on merged with I-40.  I didn't wish to merge, however, so I took the frontage road beside it.  I was seeing the exact same things, but I would be able to stop whenever I wanted.  I thought this an advantage.  Who knew what wonders there might be.

But soon the road came to an end, or at least a seeming one, for there was a sign that said the paved road ended here, and so I took a turn onto another road that seemed to have some promise.  After a few miles, I was at the state penitentiary.  A quick U-turn and another right and more empty road.  It took me to the county dump.  I decided to go back and take the road that was less traveled, the one that was supposedly unpaved. 

The road had once been paved, but it was not longer maintained, and now it was full of potholes and washouts.  Still, it was very manageable, and I was in a rental car, so. . . onward.  I drove awhile listening to one of the hillbilly stations on my phone (connected by bluetooth to the rental car stereo) past the empty nothingness of sage brush and sand until I came to a dirt road that turned toward a distant. . . what?  It was not a butte, just a rising out of the desert.  I stopped to take some pictures. 


Outside the car, the temperature was dropping, the wind blowing like crazy.  There was nobody around, no car to be seen traveling up or down the road.  This was a lonely place.  Still, there were roads which meant that there were people who came and went.  This was somebody's landscape, the place etched into the core of his being, the place no matter where he went that he would call home.  We are formed by the land.  This was a different kind of madness than the swamps and prairies that I called home.  But it was all insane, all this land.  It is the madness that fills us, I thought. 

I didn't need to go too far with that.  It was getting late now, and I wanted to be back to the hotel to have a drink at that magnificent bar.  Turning around and heading back to the highway, I decided to take a different way home. 

There is nothing like a good hotel.  I have gotten too old to enjoy the cheap blankets and pillows and furniture of a bargain place (though I will be staying in a $55/night motel in Santa Fe for a week).  I have become like Zsa-Zsa Gabor, I think.  I need luxury and comfort.  I want the security of being looked after by a considerable staff.  And so, as the better part of Albuquerque gathered for Friday happy hour, I put on a linen shirt and made my way to the rooftop.  The sun was on its way down over the city that spread out below.  People were drinking pretty cocktails, and I would have one, too. 

"A Negroni, please," I asked the barman.  "I've never ordered one out, but I've made them at home." 

"I hope this is up to your standards, sir," he said demurely.  "It is all about the proportions." 

Yes, that is true.  All of life is about that.  I sat back to enjoy the late afternoon and early evening.  This was where I would end my day.  A good hotel is everything.

The Terrible Nothingness

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Even in the best of places, though. . . there is always something.  As I sat at the bar sipping at my Old Fashioned, two hip hop boys in their early thirties came up to pay their tab.  They were drunk and jacked on coke, I assumed, as they were shiny with sweat and couldn't quit moving.  They snapped back and forth with quick talk and plans for the night and tried to pay the barman who said they would have to square up with the waitress that had been serving them.  This disconcerted them a bit and as they tried to figure things out, one of them looked at me with a goofy grin and a wave.  I gave him my usual backwards peace sign, and he went bug-eyed. 

"I give you a wave and you give me back that?" he said too aggressively.  I looked at him and said,

"What the fuck do you want?"

"What do I want?" he repeated and looked a little confused.  "I want you to hit back that drink." 

I simply stared at him.  What is there to say in response to something like that.  It was no matter.  The boys paid up and soon were gone. 

The barman who had been serving me said something about it to the other barman telling him he'd seen the two of them here before and they were always a little bit of trouble.  Then he apologized to me for their behavior.  I thought that was nice of him and funny, too.

"That was no trouble," I said to him.  As I settled my bill, I said, "I'll be back up later for some of those tacos." 

But way led to way and I didn't make it back to the bar that night. 

In the morning, I prepared to drive south of Albuquerque.  I-25 to Truth or Consequences.  I would stop on the way in Socorro, I thought, to make the detour to see the Very Large Array

Once out of Albuquerque, traffic began to thin, the small towns growing smaller and fewer.  I set the cruise control on the Chevy Malibu to 95 mph.  I was surprised that it would let me.  Somehow, I thought, there would be some safety control, but no. . . I was wrong.  And so I flew once more through the Great American West. 

The landscape grew sparser and drier, everything seeming very far away.  I reached Socorro before I knew it.  The road into town was crowded., and about half the traffic was bikers.  I pulled off to get some gas and some water and to use the restroom.  The store was full of crippling foods and sugary drinks. I looked around in curiosity.  It was impossible to find anything like a non-coated nut or anything not adulterated.  Little kids of Mexican descent were loading up on brightly colored candies.  No one looked healthy, but what choices did they have?  The town was full of cheap restaurants and mini-marts.  I got my water and went to the counter. 

"Sure is a lot of traffic," I said to the woman taking my money.

"Everybody's headed out to the lake." 

I told her what I was doing.  "Is that the same road?" I asked. 

"No.  You won't have any traffic out that way.  It's about forty-five miles."

I was wondering if it would be worth the 90 miles I would have to drive to see this thing, but it seems I had made a wrong turn somewhere, for I ended up at the entrance to I-25 south again.  Fuck it, I thought, I'll head on down to Truth or Consequences and if I want to, I can stop here on the way back. 

The cruise control had a good memory.  The highway miles crumbled behind me, and before long I arrived.  Truth or Consequences.  Oh, my.  I parked my car in the center of town and made a quick video to send to a friend.  Perhaps I had made a mistake. 


I drove through town--that didn't take long--then took the road out of town a ways before I came back and parked.  I would walk the town, I thought, looking for something. . . anything.  With two cameras around my neck I started out.  Right away I found the Tourist Information Center.  I walked in and said, "Do I look like a tourist?" holding out my cameras.  The woman working the center didn't seem to get it. 

"May I help you?" 

"Sure.  What is there to see in Truth or Consequences?" 

She looked at me hopelessly, I thought. 

"Well, today there are the museums. . . ."

I had seen the museums on the way in.

"Uh-uh.  I don't want to go to the museums.  I want to take pictures."

She gave out a heavy breath.  I had pretty much exhausted the riches of the town it seemed. 

"You can walk the main street here.  There are lots of shops and things.  There are the hot springs, but most of them are private." She pulled out a map and showed me where there was an outdoor one for free along the river.  And that was it. I asked about taking a highway I saw on the map that paralleled the interstate.  Would there be anything of interest along the way?  "There's the lake," she said.  "It's prettier than taking the highway." 

I walked around town.  It was the Saturday of Memorial Day weekend, but there was nobody about.  Half the shops were closed.  I wandered down the main street then cut back onto some other roads.  It was just beat.  There were rundown houses and trailers and old cars and weird metal things of different types.  It seems to me that in New Mexico, anything that is metal is kept.  Metal seems to be the coin of the realm somehow. 

After a dull hour or so, I got back into the car.  I drove down to the river.  I made another video. 



There was nothing to see in Truth or Consequences.  I was done.  On the way out of town, I drove by a public park.  There were two teenagers there, a skinny Mexican looking boy without a shirt and a skinny white girl with cheap, tight jeans and her shirt pulled up over her pooch of a pot belly.  She was talking on a cell phone.  The boy handed her a number and she took a hit looking at me.  They both looked as miserable as the town.  I wanted to stop and talk to them, ask them things, ask them what it was like living in such a place as this, but I didn't have the courage.  Or better, I had some common sense.  And so, slowly, I drove past them, leaving them to their mid-day stoner fun in a run down playground in the center of a nothing town.  I was getting depressed.  

Before I hit the highway, I drove by a building that said "Fairgrounds." I was excited for a minute and pulled the car over.  There were people everywhere, people and junk.  It was an auction.  It was crazy.  They were selling old vacuum cleaners and shopping carts. . . anything that was junk.  I saw people loading up pickup trucks with long metal pipes.  Metal.  Always metal.  The people looked beat and poor.  It is a poor town, a poor state, I thought.  I couldn't see anything approaching joy.  I climbed into my car and headed up the hill on a side street that quickly turned into a dirt road that just as quickly turned into an alley.  I was driving on rutted tracks behind trailers and small wooden shacks where endless numbers of pit bulls were roaming fenced yards or were chained up to a broken travel trailer.  Fuck.  Finally I came to a paved road and drove away from town.  Dead end.  I got out of the car and took some pictures, but it didn't feel right.  It wasn't worth it, I thought.  And so I turned the car around and headed for the interstate.  

Finally, I found something to make the trip worthwhile.  God knows what it was or why, but it was there calling forth some cosmic energy.  Now I could head back to Albuquerque.  


By now, though, I was done.  I was beat.  I just wanted to get back to my hotel and figure out what was next.  I tuned in a Sirius chanel called "Coffee House" and set the cruise control again.  I was high flying.  For a long time.  And then. . . .

He was traveling on the opposite side of the interstate, but he was slowing down and pulling to the medium before I got to him.  For a second I thought to speed up and try to outrun him.  O.K.  Split second.  Rather, I slowed down to the speed limit and waited watching him in my rearview mirror.  He took his time, and when he got to me, he slowed down and stayed just behind me in the other lane for a long time.  I was hoping that he was just going to fuck with me then go on by, but I was not so lucky.  After awhile, he pulled in behind me and hit the lights. 

Oh, well, I thought.  I turned off the engine and took out my license and rolled down the window and waited.  He came up on the passenger side and said he pulled me over for speeding.  He asked me if the car was a rental and asked me where I was going.  I thought about the videos of the New Mexican cops shooting unarmed suspects.  I thought of Breaking Bad.  I showed him my cameras and told him about my day.  He laughed and asked if someone had told me that Truth or Consequences was interesting.  I told him that everyone I talked to had said they hadn't gone south for many years.  No, I had just taken a chance.  He was friendly and I thought maybe I was going to get a warning.  I didn't, but he did me a favor.  He said he was going to give me a ticket for doing 85 mph.  That would reduce the fine to $77.00, and since we were on reservation land, there would be no points on my license.  Wow, I thought.  It is like a freebee.  I would have to consider whether I would speed again or not, but there seemed to still be the opportunity. 

I drove the rest of the day, though, at the requisite speed. 

Back to the hotel.  Up to the bar.  Everyone smiled and remembered me.  Why hadn't I come back for tacos, one wondered?  Oh, it was good to be back where there was happiness and joy.  It was good to be recognized.  A Negroni, then, a civilized drink.  The bartenders and the waitresses chatted.  I asked for a good restaurant and they all agreed.  It was only a couple blocks from the hotel.  They had good food and made great drinks.  And so, having not eaten since morning, I was away. 

I am a western sort, I think.  I always get attention in the west, more so than back home.  It has always been that way.  And tonight was not an exception.  I was seated at the bar by a very sweet hostess and handed over to a pretty bartender who handed me a menu. 

"I can't read this," I said.  "I didn't bring my glasses.  You don't serve a lot of old people, I take it, or you would have some at the bar," I chuckled.  Within minutes she had dug some up out of a box for me.  They were beautiful little reading glasses.  "Oh, I'm taking these," I said.  She smiled and told me that they would not be missed.  The couple next to me were in their mid-forties, fit, good looking, and well dressed.  We started chatting and I regaled them with my day.  There was advice from everyone, of course.  I should have done this, I should have gone here.  Whatever, I said.  I just want a good meal.  And that is what I got.  I ate and drank and the bartender smiled.  She asked me why I was in town and I told her about the photo workshop.  She was a photographer, too, she said, and she told me about her work.  She taught as an adjunct at the local college, but her MFA was in painting and she was working mostly in photography, big things, she said.  She had a show coming up at Rayco in San Francisco.  Did I know it?  Of course I did, I said, and felt the pang of unsuccess fall over me.  Jesus.  Everyone had a magazine or a gallery somewhere.  She wanted to give me her website and email address.  She wrote them down on a piece of paper.  Her handwriting was exquisite. 

She certainly was an artist.

How Leica Saves a Weird Sunday

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My last morning in Albuquerque was spent drinking coffee, writing, and eating.  I was slow to move, slow to leave.  When I finally went down to breakfast, the room was full, so I strolled outside to eat at the place across the street.  I was sure I could get bacon and eggs there. 


I sat at the long counter on a high stool and ordered three eggs over medium, bacon, toast, and orange juice.  The portions were substantial.


But I ate it all, the first time I've had such a breakfast in many, many months, now subsisting on steel cut oats and yogurt most mornings.  I knew that this would hold me until dinner. 

Packing up the room, I felt a little lost.  I liked the hotel, and now I would be going to my home for the next week, a $55/night room at the Santa Fe Suites.  Just after noon, I paid up and put my bags in the car.  I would take the Turquoise Highway to Santa Fe.  I had been told that if I was looking for '50s America, this is where I'd find it. 

It was a pretty road, but that was all.  The little towns that dotted the map were just little towns like any others in New Mexico, old and hippy/cowboy beat.  Cerritos had a petting zoo where a family was feeding grain to a llama.  In another, Madrid, the strip through town was crowded with tourists who walked from one shop to another or who sat in rustic restaurants and bars as you would see in any tourist town. 



And so to Santa Fe. 

Getting off I-25, I was surprised to know just where I was.  In a mile, I found my motel.  It was two o'clock, and I was able to check in.  Looking across the big parking lot that ran to the shopping center and to the numerous medical buildings that neighbored it, I thought, "For the money, this is not bad.  It really is not bad at all.  I have a kitchen and plenty of space.  I should be happier." But I was not happy.  A big hollow silence surrounded me.  I can't explain it quite.  I can just feel the difference, can feel myself just on the margin of existence and subsistence. 

I put my things away and decided to head on to the center of town.  And of course, it was crowded.  Then I thought of something.  I Googled Photo-Eye Gallery and found this.



Holy Shit!!!!  I went right away, thinking, "What luck." 

When I got to the gallery, it was closed.  What sort of gallery is not open on Sundays?  Worse still, the show had closed the day before.  I looked longingly through the window to see a giant print, the one that is on the poster, leaning against the wall on the floor.  Another show was going up.  Shit, fuck, goddamn, motherfucker. . . . 

Disappointed, I decided to drive to the Photo-Eye bookstore on the other side of town.  

Closed Sundays!  

Just then, it began to rain.  

Thinking not to get my cameras wet, I put on a jacket and walked down to Canyon Road where there is a string of galleries.  I had to do something.  I needed to see some art.  

And the first place I went into, I did.  


It was the work of Robert T. Ritter.  His images were painted onto fabrics that were stitched together by natural fibers (link).  They were massive, beautiful things.  I wanted one, of course.  $18,000.00.  Oh, I knew I could get the price down, for I heard the gallery owner talking to another couple.  He was willing to throw in the price of shipping.  Let me consider it, I told him after awhile.  Hell, he couldn't know that I was a simple factory worker.  Let him think I might be back.  

Outside, the temperature had dropped.  I walked into other galleries, but they were mostly schtick.  I decided to head back to the car and drive to the center of town.  

I parked by some municipal building.  I was feeling glum, but what else was there to do but to join the throng.  I didn't think it was practical to take both cameras, and in truth, I thought it really useless to take one at all for days had gone by without my making a meaningful picture with them.  But fuck, I couldn't just walk into town without one, so I settled on the Leica.  It was small and light and I loved just holding the thing.  I grabbed one roll of film out of my bag and covered up the camera bags with maps and a jacket.  There were bums all over town.  I didn't need a break in.  

After a few blocks, I couldn't remember if I had locked the car or not.  Surely I did, I thought.  I didn't feel like walking back.  

When I got to the town square, many hundreds of people were milling about.  I stood against a wall, thinking.  A man and woman with two dogs stopped.  

"That's a nice camera," he said.  

"Thanks. . . yea. . . ." I turned it over in my had to show him the back.  "Shooting blind," I said.  

They admired the camera and asked questions.  

"Is it hard to get film?" 

"Sometimes," I said.  "Hey, let me take your picture." 

And that is how it started.  A few minutes later, another man stopped me to look at the camera.  Oh, the thing is a beauty for sure, and now I was hot.  I walked around the square stepping up to people and pointing to the camera just before I raised it to my eye.  Again.  And again.  I was going well and getting bold.  Two men sat on a bench, characters, really, talking to a man on the bench across the sidewalk.  I sat next to him and smiled.  I said, "You two look like some interesting guys," and raised the camera to my eye.  They just looked at me as I shot.  It was a miracle.  I ran through the roll quickly.  I could have cursed myself, of course, for not having brought more film, but who knew?  And the afternoon was rolling away and I wanted to get something to drink.  I asked a woman leaning on a lamppost outside the store she worked in where my favorite New Mexican restaurant was.  I couldn't remember the name, but she knew it by the description.  The Shed.  She told me how to get there and asked me about myself, and, of course, the camera.  I asked her if I could take her picture.  Oh sure, she said.  

Heading across the square, ready now for a margarita, I came across an old fellow with brown skin and white hair who was trying to get his smoker onto a trailer.  I wanted to take his picture and he was asking for help pushing the big wheeled thing onto a trailer.  We made a deal.  I pushed the smoker.  He posed.  It was a good deal.  We shook hands, and I headed for the restaurant, happy.  

It was closed on Sundays.  WTF?!!!

La Fonda is an historic old hotel just off the plaza.  When I was here two years ago, the rooftop bar was closed for renovations.  I decided to go.  

Oh, the wind was blowing up there, and the air was chilly.  I chose to sit on a couch by a fire pit.  I ordered the first drink on the menu, some sort of margarita with chilis.  I sat with my camera and my drink.  The sun was bright, the moment lovely. 

Red Chair

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It has been all workshop since the last post.  I have been making platinum and palladium prints all week.  They are beautiful, but I will need to shoot images for this process, for it has particular qualities that need to be exploited.  The workshop is made up of professional artists and art profs from various colleges around the country.  As always, I am the wild card, the hack.  The thing is, their images are much, much different than mine.  I have tried not to be scandalous with the images I work on in class, but they are all of women which seems scandalous enough.  It is good for me, though, to have the images in front of a critical audience.  I have been thinking and rethinking what I've done and what I will do.  Most of the other images are nature or still life, objects arranged in interesting and even cubist ways.  I am not opposed to the imagery which seems to be about line and form which is truly the printmaker's concern.  What I think of as my thematizing and symbolizing are lost in the soft tones of the palladium print.  This is truly a lyrical process.  I have ideas, though, and it will be good for me.  That is what happens to the hack who goes a-workshopping. 


But I have to tell you more about Sunday night atop La Fonda at the rooftop bar.  As I sat alone drinking my margarita, a couple came up and sat on the couch across from me.  They were a striking pair, perhaps in their lat thirties or early forties, and looked like they've lived an interesting life.  She asked me about my drink, whether I liked the pepper in the margarita.  I said it was interesting.  He said that meant it was o.k. but that I wouldn't order it again.  He looked a bit like a rock star of the Ryan Adams ilk, she like a ski or yoga instructor.  whey introduced themselves, Michael and Mary Jane, and we began to chat, so I ordered another drink, the same one he said I wouldn't order again (but when the server brought it out, it wasn't the same that I'd had before).  They were from Washington but spent a lot of time in Vail, they said.  They told me they had been to some town that day that is famous for its soil.  If you eat it, they said, it would heal you. 

"Michael ate some," she smiled. 

"Did it heal you?" I asked. 

"I think so," Michael said rather seriously. 

"What was wrong?"

He looked me in the eye.  "Well, you know, drinking too much. . . ." He trailed off.  I knew what he meant.  "And my shoulder has been bothering me, and I had something happening to a patch of skin. . . I think it's better." 

I liked this sort of thing, of course, and I said, "I'll need directions.  Sounds like I need to eat some dirt." 

"Why. . . what's wrong?" Michael asked seriously.

"I'm not sure," I said, then held up my margarita.  "Who knows?" 

They were a great western couple.  They seemed to have driven every square inch of the west.  They hiked and skied and went to hot springs and ate dirt.  I loved them immensely.  Best of all, they seemed happy together.  I liked that most.  They complimented each other in the way we all want, it seemed to me, each part of the other, part of the whole. 

They asked me what I was doing in Santa Fe, and I told them about the workshop.  Mary Jane said, "I take pictures.  I've got a series with a red chair." She handed me her phone and showed me some of the pictures in the series.  Holy Cow!  They were great.  As I flipped through her phone, she gave me the backstory on it.  She lived with a fellow who moved out and took the chair.  She called him and wanted it back, but he had put in storage up in the mountains, so she got a friend and a pickup truck and drove to the place and broke in and took the chair. 

"After that, I just started photographing the chair in different places.  I would text him the image and say, 'You want your chair?  Come get it.' And it would be in Arizona or Texas.  Ha!" 

I asked her for the website, and she told me they were all on Facebook.  You have to see these.  Here's the link to her Facebook site.  Shoot.  You never know where you will run into genius.

Attention

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(another phone pic--all I have available here)

The workshop ended yesterday.  It was a tremendous workshop, a good group of people.  I got my money's worth.  Now all that is left to do is return home and spend a bunch more money to get set up for making platinum/palladium prints.  And it is a lot.  I need a dedicated printer to make the negative images on transparencies.  Then I need to buy special inks to do that.  I need to buy some software to run RIPs for the printer and a printing tool so that it works with the Epson tool.  I need to buy some other software, too, that will help me develop the image.  I need to buy hundreds of dollars worth of platinum and palladium chemicals and papers to print on.  I need to buy humidifiers and LED lights that give off no ultraviolet light.  And finally, I need to buy an exposure unit of the type they use in commercial print shops.  I am hoping to find a used one for hundreds rather than thousands of dollars. 

What I have just learned can keep me broke.  But the prints. . . .

We went to the Bostick and Sullivan  one day to see what they have and what they do.  They gave us the tour. . . oh my!  The place is a small wreck, but it is full of beautiful pictures.  They showed us many prints and explained the technical aspects of what was done to make them.  I was inspired.  Then they gave us a tour of the facilities.  The son (Bostick and Sullivan have been married for about forty years) is a wet plate collodion photographer, and he answered every question I needed answered to set myself up at home to make tintypes.  The workshop has turned into a two-for-one for me.  I will be able to spend even more money now to make both palladium prints and colloidal prints.  I will definitely need to sell some things--hopefully pictures--to keep myself going.  But I might be able to. I'll tell you why. 

We had been asked to bring prints from our workshop for Bostick and Sullivan to see.  It was to be a critique, of sorts, where the old masters made appraisals and gave advice to the newbies.  At this point, we had only worked for two days out of the five day workshop, so the best prints were still to come.  But we laid the prints out onto a prepared table for perusal.  They were noticeably moved as the prints were very well done.  The process is known to be finicky and difficult, but we were learning (at a high price) to do it beautifully.  We had.  Bostick, Sullivan, and Son were all there looking.  They picked up my print and asked who had done it.  They asked me many questions and gave it high praise.  I was very, very pleased, of course (I might say "relieved").  Yes, the prints I made looked very, very good. 

On Thursday night, the workshop guru made us all dinner.  We brought the wine, and there was plenty.  He grilled shrimp and vegetables.  Salsa and chips.  The evening was luminous, the sky a clear, darkened blue, the setting sun fiery.  It was all good 'til one of the fellows brought out the mescal and marijuana.  Bubble, bubble, toil, trouble. 


Some people just don't know their limits.  I, however, a seasoned veteran. . . .

I texted the picture to a friend.  She wanted me to bring home the bottle, full, I presumed, but impossible.  At the end of the workshop, however, it was presented to me as a gift.  We'll see if it makes it back unbroken. 

Now I have three and a half days to take in the sites.  I am holed up in my cheap-ass hotel, but it is fine.  I have internet most of the time and a bed and a kitchen and a bath, though there is no comfortable place to sit.  Today I will go gallery hopping.  I must tell you one thing, though--I am loved in the west.  In the east, I am barely tolerated, but I get more attention here than is good for me.  It will make it difficult for me to go home.  For there is one thing for certain. . . I love me lots of attention.  Oh, I do, I do, I do.

Saturday's Adventures

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There is little more dead or lonesome than a late Saturday afternoon in a strange town when you are alone.  The city dies in the heat and everyone goes home after shopping and dining to rest.  And if you have been out all day, as I had, going to museums and shops and walking from place to place so that you have been on your feet too many hours, and if you have had a late lunch with wine, you, too, would be looking for respite and refuge.  And so. . . reluctantly. . . I headed back to my little motel on the outskirts of town to drink wine and do laundry and read. 

But the day had gone well.  My first stop on my way into town was at the Photo-Eye Gallery where the Jock Sturges show that I had missed had been hanging until I got to town.  I had been told by several people that Anne who ran the gallery was a very nice woman and might show me some of the photos anyway.  I am rather timid about asking for favors, but I walked into the gallery thinking I might.  There was no one there but the woman at the desk.  I inhaled deeply, then began telling her my sad tale of coming too late to see the show.  Then, balls in my armpits, I said I had been told that it might be possible to look at some of the prints from the show.  Oh. . . I got an hour's private viewing.  She showed me the exhibit and many, many of the other Sturges prints that are in the gallery collection, all the while telling me tales of Jock and the people who were in the photographs.  It couldn't have been better except if I had money to buy one of the pictures she showed me entitled "Loes, Montelivet, France, 2014." The 16x20 print was $1,400.00.  Not bad, perhaps, but a bit of a stretch for me.  When I texted this to my friend back home, he suggested that I try to trade a print.  Yes, I think, that is fine. 

I wandered the other galleries in the Rail Yard District and loped through the farmer's market as well.  Saturday in Santa Fe is like Saturday in any city that is lovely. 


The works in the other galleries didn't interest me so much, and after I'd finished, I decided to drive back into the downtown area to go the the Verve Gallery and others.  Trouble was, I couldn't find my car.  Perhaps this is the first stage in Alzheimer's, I don't know, but in this town I have had this trouble much.  After about forty-five minutes, I began to get a touch of panic.  I wondered if the car had a tracking device on it so that if I called Avis they could tell me where it was.  Surely, I thought, that would be true.  I decided to try using Apple Maps first, though, to get me back to approximately where I had parked.  It told me I had wandered very far in the wrong direction.  C'est la vie.  I got to see many wonderful things along the way.  Still, I was much relieved when I found the rental sitting just where I had left it. 

In town, I went to Verve and to the Andrew Smith Gallery.  The show at Verve made me think they would be better off showing my work, and I almost asked about submitting to the woman who seemed to be in charge, but I never have nerve for such things.  The Andrew Smith Gallery, though, was a complete knockout, two floors of a big old building with very wonderful photographic images and many processes from many different eras.  It was luscious and inspiring.  It also wore me out.  I looked longingly at two chairs in a tiny room without photographs thinking it would be nice just to rest. 


But instead, I asked the nice woman at the desk to recommend a nice cafe where I might get a late lunch.  She did, and I did, after which I decided to walk to the town square and take some pictures. 

Just when I got there, a limousine pulled up and let out about twenty kids dressed for a Mexican quinceanera.  The limo simply pulled up to the curb and opened the doors and played loud Mexican music while the kids danced on the sidewalk bordering the square.  I literally ran to them with my film Leica and began snapping photos.  Jesus, what luck.  But I am not good with manual focus any more, and I am sure most of the pictures will be too blurry.  Still, it was fun to run-and-gun among the kids getting them to turn this way and that as I shot frame after frame after frame.  Oh. . . I hope a few of the pictures do turn out.

And after about fifteen minutes, they loaded up into the limo and were gone.  A few minutes later, the police cars arrived.  I guess you are not allowed to do that in the center of town.  Fortune. 

I wandered around the square for a while emboldened, taking pictures of people without fear.  I found a boy and girl in cowboy hats and cowboy duds with an old suitcase and guitar case in front of an old hotel.  I walked up and told them that this was a picture too good just to pass up.  Would they pose for me?  They were glad to.  I nervously framed them and shot two pictures, but as I walked away, I thought of the pictures I should have taken.  I will get better with practice, I told myself.  It would happen with experience. 

But now I was tired and needed to rest.  And so I end this where I began, back on the border of town doing laundry and drinking wine.  That is the way of traveling alone.  You can do whatever you want.  I wouldn't be able to make pictures if someone else were with me.  But someone sure might be comforting on the outskirts of the city.

Out and About

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Yesterday I decided to drive to Taos.  It was closer than I remembered, less than two hours by the longest route.  I, of course, planned to stop all along the way, but that was the point.  And so I took the high road through the Carson National Forest.  I had last been that way in the 1990s, but I remembered the beauty of the drive clearly. 


My first stop was simply a dirt road that let me take a photograph of a ramshackle barn set against a wooded hill.  I shot it with all of my cameras all the while waiting for someone to come out of the house above to ask me what the hell I was doing.  That is a common occurrence when I am taking a picture of something that seems nonsensical to anyone else.  Wash, spin, repeat.  I stopped all along the way.  The one place I did not stop, however, was at a small ravine where a couple cars had pulled to the side of the road.  Several men were standing at the edge and looking down.  I saw what they were looking at, the bottom of a car, four wheels up, the top of the car severely flattened.  Had it only just happened, I wondered?  Surely not.  As I slowed, wondering, I saw a pickup truck behind me pull over, too.  O.K.  There were plenty of people there now to handle it, I thought, but surely it was just an old wreck.  Ten minutes down the road, a police car came flying by toward the wreckage, lights flashing, siren blaring, traveling at least twice the speed limit.  A few minutes later, another, then an ambulance.  And so, I thought, there was somebody trapped inside that terrible wreck on that lonely, winding mountain road.  I could have done nothing if I had stopped, I thought, feeling a twinge of guilt.  It would have been an awful thing to see, and though feeling guilt, I also was feeling relief.  It was a terrible thing, a lonely place.  Who could it be?  What could have gone wrong?  The car had been an old one like you see often in the west, a rebuilt car from the 60s, perhaps, maybe older.  Some kids out for a joyride drunk or high flying through the late spring air?  I would never know. 

As I drove and stopped, drove and stopped, I remembered the old thrill of seeing new things, of making it all your own, the excitement of being formed by the experiences you had along the way.  I was ravenous for it, perhaps an endowment from my father.  I had wanted to chew up the land, to walk the entire earth and make it my own.  There was a mania in it.  Now, having done that, having been to most of the beautiful places I had heard of and had envied, there was something else, not mania but a calm resolution knowing that the bigger part of that was behind me now and that it had surely made me who I am.  The music played.  The road went on.


Taos.  The road in, littered with everything all towns are now littered with, practical stores at practical prices for real people and not romantic travelers, big stores that sold everything, many of them with names that are now familiar wherever you are.  Through the big disappointment and into the town center where the real estate is far too expensive for anything like that, into the town where it is impossible to make a living, where it is truly BYOM(oney).  So said Sophia, a pretty woman who worked at a gallery where I stopped.  She knew my own home town and said she wanted to live there which was quite surprising to me.  Her father had a house in one of the expensive beach communities about two hours from my own.  He owned a store in Santa Fe, she said, and she wanted to open one in my town as well.  It was impossible to make a living in Santa Fe, and she worked three jobs.  She never got out, really, to enjoy the mountains or the desert.  I thought it would be a nightmare to be stuck at a job with all of this around, but the same was true of everyone I talked to.  And they did talk.  People have stories and want to tell them.  I am a good listener, I guess, for I love to steal their tales.  She was a heartbreaker, though, that Sophia, beautiful and perhaps desirous, too, who knows?  I'd like to think so, anyway.  Another tale un-lived, untold. 

Later, I drove out of town, up into the mountains through very winding roads along a river, up into the trees, through small towns, then into the real money, then turning around, I headed back to the plains and the blistering high desert.  Then, out of the blue, I came to a lone structure, a small brewery, where they were on the third day of a three day music festival.  I pulled into the dirt parking lot and grabbed my cameras.  When I tried to get in, however, there was a table full of people wanting to get $45 from me.  I tried to charm them into letting me go in for ten minutes to take some pictures, but bikers are not always so easily charmed, so I was relegated to looking over a fence and listening to some very good music on a sunny Sunday afternoon. 


The band that was playing was a good one, but they were playing the last song of their set, so I drifted back to my car and drove back onto the highway.  I wanted to see the Rio Grande Gorge once more. It is always a shock driving through that flat land looking at nothing but long, tabletop of sand and scrub and to suddenly come upon it (see the first picture in post).  Being Sunday, there were a few tourists gathered and the usual stands to sell visitors authentic native crafts and snow cones and hot dogs.  I walked out onto the bridge to make my obligatory photograph, and while standing there looking out over the magnificent gorge, a young girl with bright red braces walked up and asked me about my Leica.  She was in college in the northeast, she said, studying photography. 

"How old are you?" I asked with incredulity. 

"Seventeen," she said. 

She looked it.  She asked about my Canon 5D as well and we chatted a bit.  Then her little sister came over and I photographed them together.  I was nervous, though, for their parents must be around somewhere watching, and when I walked away, I realized that I had taken shitty pictures and had not posed them at all, had not put the magnificent gorge behind them.  C'est la vie.  It will take more practice, but I know it will come, the confidence and mastery, I mean. 

Heading back to the car, one of the merchants, an old, disheveled man in baggy pants and a wrinkled shirt, started pointing behind me saying, "Sheep.  Look at the sheep." I turned around to see three Big Horned Sheep on the other side of the road.  Oh!  I had always heard that they were elusive and thought I would never see one in the wild, but here they were.  I went over to take some pictures and watched them for awhile, but my Marlin Perkins moment soon wore off.  They were magnificent to see, but they were doing nothing to keep me entertained, so like any tourist, I was soon back on the highway. 

Yesterday I said there was nothing more lonesome than a late Saturday afternoon, but I was premature in my claim.  Sunday evening in a strange town--that is when you feel the void.  There is nothing like that.  I walked to the town square but it was like showing up after the party is over.  I walked a bit and then decided that I would eat.  I entered a Spanish tapas place I had seen earlier and sat at a table alone.  Dinner, wine, and a bunch of money later, I drove back to the edge of town.  I was tired though it was barely eight o'clock.  I dropped my stuff onto the second bed and pulled out my iPad to read Sally Mann's new autobiography, "Hold Still." When I woke up, I brushed my teeth, took my vitamins, got out of my clothes, got back into bed, and turned out the lights.  I was bushed.

Weird Ending

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My last full day in Santa Fe, I woke too early feeling. . . strange.  Perhaps it was only the thought of this being the last day of freedom which is in itself an oppressive thought.  All morning, I was getting messages from the factory asking me when I was coming back.  Not just that.  I was working, in part. The strings of home were pulling.  Not knowing what to do, I decided to take a trip to Tent Rocks National Monument.  It was less than an hour away, so. . . why not?  I grabbed some hiking clothes and took off late.  By the time I got there, it was noon.  

There were two short hikes in the park, and I took the longer one that round trip was only just over a couple miles.  With two cameras and an iPhone, I started out.  All I'd had was coffee and one glass of water.  I will confess to you, dear reader, that since I've been in New Mexico, I don't believe I've had more than a gallon and a half of water.  Incredulous?  Nope, I swear.  True dat.  I believe that I am genetically predisposed to not needing it.  Even when I was a kid and we'd play ball, the other kids needed a water break.  I always wondered why.  But with coffee and a glass of water under my belt, I headed off under the noon day sun to see wonders and delights.  


Of everything, I took at least three pictures with three cameras--my digital Canon, my film Leica, and my iPhone.  Of the three. . . Oh, shit, there is nothing like an iPhone.  I navigated my way around the state with it.  I played my favorite music in the car via bluetooth with it.  I played music in the room with it.  And on location, I took photos and effected photos and used the macro properties that neither of my expensive cameras had lenses for, and I used it to take video, too.  And the more I use it, the more I love it.  I even made prints from pictures taken with it in my platinum/palladium workshop.  It is an incredible tool.  

And so burdened, I climbed.  It was the first time I'd tried my knee out other than in the gym and on a few short runs.  There is nothing like walking over loose sand and shaky boulders to work your whole body's core.  I have to admit, the knee was doing fine, much to my great relief.  The rest of me, however. . . I am not in such great shape right now.  But I remembered how to move over rock, and the memory was fun.  Up through tight caverns and tunnels, stopping ever to take pictures, people coming up from behind me, people in front.  


Did I say that I was in lousy shape?  Up and up, it seemed, me with no water or food, constantly losing the most obvious trail in the world as I always do, traveling over hardpan until I didn't know where I was at all until hearing the voices of some happy travelers toward which I would run with weak knees and a beating heart, all the time thinking, "I will get lost out here and die, or worse, will be found suffering by the park rangers, all the time wondering why I am so stupid not to bring water or sunscreen even now that I am getting burned brown and leathery." 


My second favorite camera on this trip is my Leica film camera.  Were it not for the iPhone. . . but truly, I have fallen in love again with the beauty of the thing.  People stop me on the streets and in restaurants to ask me about it.  True!  It has happened at least three times a day since I've been here.  And the feel of it in my hand and the simplicity and complexity of it. . . it is just a marvel.  Most of all, though, people let me photograph them with it, and that is the optimum.  And so when I reached the top of the climb, there were two girls--women, really--who had gotten there just before me.  One of them asked me if I would take a picture of them with her phone, and I said sure, as long as I could take one, too.  They said that was fine.  One of them asked me about my Leica, and a long, long conversation began.  The woman was from Colorado and she loved the idea of film.  The other was from Japan and spoke about her grandfather who carried a Leica with him everywhere he went.  That film camera, my friends. . . it has ju-ju.  


And so we began our journey down.  I took no pictures on the return trip but rather was in my own head figuring out how I was going to change my life when I got home.  Oh so many things.  Knowing, of course, that they would not stick but would, perhaps, be begun.  

Back at the motel, I showered and had some wine.  My legs were already beginning to tighten up.  A hot shower and some wine, and I lay upon the bed.  I got up in time for dinner.  

It was an early dinner, really, but I had not eaten all day but for a chocolate croissant, and now I should have been famished.  Should have been, but wasn't.  And so in town, I wandered the empty square looking for people to photograph.  Nothing. Zilch.  Nada.  And then the thunder crashed and it began to rain.  I stood under a roof and called my mother, good son that I am.  And when the rain let up, I headed to a sushi restaurant I had already eaten at twice before.  Walking was difficult now, and when I finally came to the restaurant. . . it was closed.  Really?  WTF?  But I had spied a little Italian place down the street and decided that it was where I should go.  Five-thirty on a rainy Tuesday.  The streets were empty.  I spent too much money on a fair meal.  C'est la vie.  


After dinner, sitting alone at the romantic table, I decided to check the next day's flight.  

FUCK ME!!!!

I'd booked a flight on Wednesday rather than Tuesday.  How had I done that?  I couldn't really fathom.  But I must have, for there it was in exes and ohs.  I had to fix this, I thought.  My whole psyche and the psyche of others were geared for tomorrow.  I will call Orbitz, I thought,  and I will tell them.  They will fix it.  They have done that before.  

I called Orbitz.  Fifteen minutes later there was no luck.  Another call.  Then another.  I decided to drive back to the motel and check on everything.  I looked up flights.  Shit--Orbits told me that they charged a $40 cancellation fee and that the airlines charged $200.  Really? ! ?  In the end, Orbitz was going to charge me $450 to change the ticket.  American Airlines was charging $250 for the flight.  It was clear what I would have to do.  And so. . . I booked it.  

It had taken hours, and now I was exhausted.  Worse, the booze was gone!  So I walked the two blocks to Albertson's to get some ether. . . I mean whiskey.  Being impractical, though, since I was leaving now in the morning, I settled on a $9 bottle of vodka and some tonic.  I would leave the leftovers for the maids.  

And so, there it is.  I will be going back to the factory tomorrow after all.  I will fly in on the Full Strawberry Moon.  Surely it is auspicious.  

Getting Your Money's Worth

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Maybe I was wrong-headed to have booked a new flight last night, but it is done and now I have come to the end of the road.  All that is left is the journey home.  Last night I was sour, mostly toward myself for being so incompetent.  I am not sure how I made the mistake about when I was flying home, but I did it, did it myself and not for the first time.  I would be worried about my mental capacity if this weren't the sort of mistake I've made all my life.  I cannot plan, cannot organize.  I am a last minute, fly by the seat of my pants sort of fellow.  None of this is new.  It is a lifetime's achievement. 


Now I prepared to leave this cheap motel that I have called home for the past nine days, sitting at the cheap desk with a cup of Starbucks coffee and a chocolate croissant making this last trip entry.  All in all, the motel is a great deal, and I found it listed on Orbitz for $44/night.  If you are coming to Santa Fe, look for anything twice that price.  I doubt you will find it.  Even at that, though, when I thought about the cost of booking another night in the room and another day's car rental and another full day of eating out, the cost of booking a new flight was very much mitigated. I arrive home earlier, too, and will have someone pick me up at the airport saving me another $50 on a cab ride.  Life is expensive any way you look at it, so justifications are easy to make.  But last night, I did not sleep well.  Maybe it was the cheap vodka (a brand called "Six"), but I know it was not that.  I thought about all the things I had to take care of when I get home, all the work that faces me, all the obligations that must be met, all the voices that must be heard.  And, after all this lovely, dry air (both hot and cold), I return to the land of heat and humidity, the worst of weather to come for the next five months.  "Why do you live there?" one of the women at Tent Rocks asked me.  "Is it because of a job?" I've thought about that since she asked.  How did my family come to end up there.  But I know it was because we lived in Ohio and this looked like paradise by comparison.  And of course, there was the whole job thing.  Both my mother and my father were able to get work with big companies.  Yes, people go where there is work.  Most of the people I have met in New Mexico have to work more than one job to make ends meet.  My own job. . . well, I was in for the long haul.  Now, after thirty-some years at the factory, there is no option to leave unless I want to give up the decent retirement that I have worked toward.  There is only that, really, and my mother or I would pack up and move in a heartbeat.  But really, it is always about the money. 


When I get home, there are rolls and rolls of film to develop, and then I will see if I still love the Leica.  There is much that is tenuous with film, but if the images are there and what I hope, it will be my constant companion.  If not--maybe I'll go for the digital version, for the camera is just sweet to hold in your hands. 

I will pack now and get some breakfast and walk around the town square one more time, then I will head for Albuquerque to turn in the car and check my bags and sit around waiting to see if my flight will leave on time.  I have Sally Mann's "Hold Still" on my iPad, and I will try to finish reading that.  I have been unable to quit writing my life, and doing so without publishing it has been liberating in a way, much like writing in my journal was so many years ago.  But I will let go of these now and publish the first of the trip entries when I close this up.  It will be nice to have a bankroll of things, though I know they will be depleted soon, much like my bank account.  Oh, well. . . .

Departure

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My last morning in Santa Fe, I woke up wondering.  I left from Albuquerque at 3:15.  The airport was an hour away.  I had to be out of the motel that I'd called home for the past ten days by eleven.  How would I manage my time. 

Inevitably as I always do--without reason and poorly.  I muddled about the room packing in wee bits trying to remember where everything was.  I needed a bag for the toiletries which would explode at altitude.  I took the bag out of the small garbage can in the bathroom.  Oops--don't forget the speeding ticket in the glove box.  Do I have all the exposed film?  I hadn't worn many clothes this trip, and I decided that it would be apropos to wear the same linen shirt I had worn on the way out, the same one I had worn every day since I had left.  Soon everything was packed but the piece of fleece I had brought with me.  I couldn't find it.  I looked in the car, in the trunk, in the closet, under the beds--twice.  It was gone.  I tried remembering the last time I had worn it.  It had been the night of the cookout at the workshop, Thursday night.  Maybe I had worn it to the workshop on Friday and had taken it off and forgotten it?  It was either that or the maids had taken it, and I doubted that very much.  Nope.  I'm sure I left it at the workshop.  Well, not sure. . . but where else?  The weather had warmed since then and I had not needed fleece since.  Well. . . shit. 

I had time to go into town for breakfast.  It would be the first breakfast I had eaten since Albuquerque at the mental institute.  I would go to a restaurant that C.C. recommended two years ago.  Afterwards, there would be time to wander around and take some last pictures with the Leica.  Walking to the car, a young, hip fellow happily said good morning. 

"Hello," I replied.

He looked at me a moment and then asked, "Are you a writer?" 

That was a hell of a question, I thought, a hell of an opening line.  "Why would you ask me that?" I said. 

"I don't know.  You look like a writer." 

Funny that.  "Nope," I said.  "I'm a photographer," holding up the Leica. 

"Oh, cool," he said. 

Breakfast at the restaurant was not what I remembered.  Actually, I was remembering a different restaurant altogether, one in Durango that had a long, old counter.  I sat down and ordered the huevos rancheros and an orange juice. 

"Which sauce you like, honey, the red or the green." Like much of New Mexico, the waitress looked like an old hippy, skin gone, hair still long, smiling. 

"I'll take the green unless you are known for your red," I answered. 

"No, the green is good."

A sloppy mess of beans and sauce came out on a platter.  Somewhere buried below was an egg and a tortilla, I think.  It was hard to tell.  Fucking C.C., I thought.  As I ate, I was sure I would have hillbilly belly for the rest of the day--you know, that shit you get from eating hillbilly fare. 

When I had finished, I walked outside and prepared my camera.  Early morning Santa Fe was dead.  The shops were just opening.  I came upon a character sitting on a bench. He looked like a cross between and old cowhand and a mystic with his long beard and chaps.  He watched me with a wary eye as I approached.  I pointed to my camera and smiled.  It seemed to me that he gave me an imperceptible nod.  I stood in front of him, squatted down eye level with him, and shot one, then another picture.  His faced never changed from the existential blankness that seemed to have taken over his visage a long time ago.  But I could see his mind was working, though god knows what bucket of snakes my be slithering around in there just then.  I waved and left him to it.  That is what it is like taking photographs of strangers, though.  You can't get a picture without doing something to them, without bringing them into some consciousness or awareness.  I began to wonder how I felt about that as I walked around the barren plaza. 

But I didn't want to think, and there was nothing here to see, so I decided to drive back to the hotel and load up the car. 

I got to the airport hours early, but what else was there to do?  I had a book to read and now time to do it.  Two flights.  Two drinks.  When I deplaned, I was back in the swampland.  A pretty girl was waiting to give me a ride home.

Working Troll

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Home and two days at the factory.  Now the first weekend.  Yesterday, I did nothing.  I drank too much alone the night before, I believe, and did not go to bed until after one.  I woke up early in the morning lying sideways across the bed.  I don't think I've ever done that before.  My head was pointing south.  When I got up, the world was askew (or I was), and I never really got going.  But I don't think it was the booze.  It was something else.  It could be an emotional letdown, I don't know.   bumped around the house trying to get things done.  I unpacked and put my clothes away.  I downloaded Atavist and ran virus checks on two laptops and my iMac because they were acting very sluggish.  Turns out I had downloaded something that put viruses on them.  That took most of the morning, but the computers are acting normal-ish now (one of them, the newest one, suddenly won't turn on without being plugged in and says it needs a new battery).  I went to the studio to service the printer.  I had left the artist in the studio behind me in charge of running a nozzle check every couple days while I was gone.  He called and said that on the last day the light cyan had shown up clogged.  I gave it a cleaning a printed a picture, though, and everything was fine.  Then I went to the gym and lay in the sun a bit.  All this time, I was drinking water, more than I normally drink in a few days figuring that might be the problem.  I had no breakfast or lunch, so I made a protein drink in the blender after that gym.  Took a shower.  Lay down.  Went to sleep.  I woke in the late afternoon and worked on some pictures that I owe some women since before I went on vacation.  The day had been silent.  No emails, no phone calls, no texts.  Oh, I thought in despair, I am back into the old solitary rut.  There was no place to go, nothing to do.  I thought to call my mother.  My cousin had come into town to spend the weekend with her.  Did I want to come to dinner?  O.K.  What else did I have to do.  A quick vodka and then a bland dinner with mother.  I was not good company, I think.  Blah, blah, blah.  I went home.  Poured a scotch, watched t.v. got up and cooked up a few more pictures.  Eleven.  I thought I had better go to bed. 

Maybe it is just a virus. 

*    *     *     *     *

I have been scanning film but that is all.  I have not turned them into finished images yet.  I am once again a working troll.  I have had these posts stored up, but now I am running out and will have to produce them live once again.  I have liked the time lag, this living in the past, so to speak.  It was nice not to have any pressure to produce any thing at all.  But I will return to live tales in mere days.  I think.  We shall see.  

A Little Film from Santa Fe

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I've been scanning the Leica images from New Mexico. I loved running around with that sweet little camera, loved the way it felt and the access it seemed to give me to things.  But man, scanning film, getting it into Photoshop to clean up--it takes a bunch of time.  And after all that, there are a few images.  They are wonderful things, but here I'm not sure you can tell the difference between film and digital.  To wit--I've been looking at the Leica Monochrome, a digital camera that only takes black and white pictures.  There are positives and negatives.  The upside (I think) is that it is the same size as the Leica M7, at least the dimensions.  It is heavier.  The downside is that it costs around $7,000 new.  My camera repair guy kind of scoffed when I talked about it saying the files were great but that there were no affordable printers that could print out the resolution of those files.  That makes some sense to me.  He might be right.  There are digital film printers now that will print a digital file onto photographic silver paper, but I think that, too, will not have the same resolution.  I may rent one for a week just to see if I like it.  That would be the prudent thing to do.  I saw one on eBay for about half price and almost bought it in a panic moment.  I am impulsive that way. 

This was one of the first images I took when I saw the boys and girls getting out of the limo into the street and park of the Santa Fe square.  Speakers were blaring some alien music and grown men in western wear surrounded the kids. It was a bizarre scene for a boy from the southeastern states.  This picture will look better in twenty years I know. 

I have been at the beach this weekend playing in the ocean and eating and drinking like a teenager.  Well, not quite.  My friend is a very bad influence on me and we have been starting our days with mimosas and brunch.  But I have surfed and waded in knee-depth water against a strong current for miles (exaggeration) and have biked and walked upon the white sands of the beach for hours.  But the weekend is over and it is time to answer the factory whistle once again.  I am anxious about going because my hair has turned blonde over the weekend, the beautician's work being undone by salt and sun, but I look good as a surfer boy as some women, strangers to me, have already attested.  It is good to be a teenager again and have summer days of frolicking fun.  I'll try to stay that way.  As always, of course. . . we shall see.

Blaze Starr and the Transition Hut

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I read an obituary for the famous stripper Blaze Starr in the New York Times a few minutes ago.  Here are some excerpts.

Ms. Starr, with a head full of red hair, an ample bosom and a penchant for playful humor, stoked the fantasies of her legions of admirers from the runways of burlesque clubs across the country for more than 30 years, seducing many men along the way.

At age 15, Ms. Starr began performing at a club near the Marine Corps base in Quantico, Va., before moving to Baltimore, where in 1950, she stepped onto the runway of the 2 O’Clock Club on the Block, a famous strip of adult entertainment shops and venues.

Sometimes, she stretched out on a couch, wiggling and looking seductive while removing her garments. When she got to the last pieces, smoke emerged from between her legs, triggering laughter from the crowd.

In a short video profile filmed before the movie was released, Ms. Starr was asked whether she would change anything about her life.

“Not a thing,” she responded. “I would just do a lot more of it and try a lot harder, and seduce a lot more men than I did.”


That writer had quite a sense of humor.  

Starr was working in a coal mine and doing wash for a dollar a day before she began stripping at age fifteen.  Which, I wonder, was the better life?  Fact is, you don't see many fifteen year old girls any more.  They hide them all away somewhere, perhaps afraid of the Blaze Starr Syndrome.  What an age.  The girl in today's picture was celebrating her fifteenth birthday, a Latina Coming of Age celebration.  Her father is offering her to society.   From the Great Source:

This birthday is celebrated differently from any other as it marks the transition from childhood to young womanhood.  Latin myths and tradition tell about how girls were prepared to be married by the age of fifteen.

I guess they keep them in some hut preparing them for the transition, educating them in the ways of the world to come.  If they are American, of course, they must prepare for the Eternal Adolescence, for we have developed a sort of neoteny in our country where we never quite loose our gills.  Oh, you will have to look that up.  I have a degree in zoology, remember.  I am full of arcane knowledge.  

Anyway. . . goodbye Blaze Starr.  Goodbye. . . goodbye. . . the world is a strange and cruel place.  

A Rock. An Island.

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I stayed up too late last night.  I blame drink, but I was showing off my musical "skills," too, playing my guitar and singing and showing how I could write a new song, but then I realized it had many similarities to the Simon and Garfunkel tune I had just played, so I played my new song and sang "I am a Rock" to the chords and it seemed a wonderfully beautiful way to change the song.  Then I played another and then I pulled up some songs on YouTube because I wanted to hear some of the lyrics and then it was late late late. 

I have a meeting at the crack of dawn at the factory today.  I am tired.  I will be more so. 

Still, I am told it was very enjoyable.  I don't remember all of it. 

Simon and Garfunkel were writing songs about the existential angst of the '60s, the deadness of the times.  You can feel the barrenness of things in them.  They also wrote some terrible schlock, but the good lines still resonate even if sometimes a little too slickly. 

I funked them up real good. 

But now I have to shower and make my way to the daily beating.  Look at the man in the picture.  He is a rock.  He is an island.

Nero's Fiddle

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I probably couldn't have told you the Pope's name until today, but now I am ready to convert to Catholicism.  Pope Francis.  What a fellow.  It is his stance on climate change that has made me a believer. 

"The vision that Francis outlined in the 184-page encyclical is sweeping in ambition and scope: He described a relentless exploitation and destruction of the environment, for which he blamed apathy, the reckless pursuit of profits, excessive faith in technology and political shortsightedness. The most vulnerable victims are the world’s poorest people, he declared, who are being dislocated and disregarded."

Jeb Bush had a wonderful retort:

“I think religion ought to be about making us better as people, less about things [that] end up getting into the political realm.”

He couldn't exhibit a clearer example of his explicit denial of logic if he worked at it for weeks.  

I've always loved the Catholic Church which was once simply The Church.  It is Janus-faced, the most human of religions.  You needn't know much to be led about by scholars with foibles.  Were this the middle ages, I'd rather be inside than outside the church structure.  It would be the only place where you could read and write and make art and music in relative comfort, I think.  Some of you scholars may set me straight about my romantic concept of corruption.  But Pope Francis is right on in my book.  Religion ought to be about making us better as a people.  Let me see--Jeb or the Pope?  Who is leading in that race?  

See those kids dancing in the today's picture?  What do you want to bet they are Catholics?  Of course they are.  Prancing and preening at fifteen, playing the mating game.  Religion is a big part of their lives.  It sanctifies the ceremony, gives them a structure for living.  You see?  Making them better as a people, seized by the Holy Spirit.  

Now premarital dancing is not going to save the world, and maybe nothing will, but Pope Francis. . . now there is a man leaning in the right direction.  Science isn't moral and scientist cannot be moralists or they are not scientists at all.  But the Pope. . . now there's another thing.  His encyclical is the best article I've ever heard a religious leader declare.  I'm afraid, however, that most people of faith will feel differently and (if history is any indicator) that the Pope's decree will have the opposite effect on the masses than it does on me.  

I'm afraid Pope Francis will not be Pope for long.  Selavy.  Let the kids keep dancing to Nero's fiddle (1)



(1) "He is infamously known as the Emperor who "fiddled while Rome burned".  He was rumored to have had captured Christians dipped in oil and set on fire in his garden at night as a source of light." Wikipedia

Constructed Frustration

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Fucked up night, fucked up morning.  Seemed things were going o.k.  Yesterday I had to get my a.c. repaired.  That happened.  Ordered mulch to be delivered today.  That happened, but the truck pulled the cable line off the house.  Spent hours trying to find a number to report this.  Every number was sales or would disconnect when it was time to speak to a rep.  Not once.  Every time.  Called the city as the cable was hanging in the street.  They put it up in a tree, said to call the cable company.  I want to kill everyone right now. 

So. . . no time for writing today.  Now I have to spray the driveway for weeds and wait until tomorrow to get my pitchfork and wheelbarrow and throw mulch.  Oh, yea. . . I don't think I ordered enough.  Fuck me. 

Here's one of the first street photos I took in Santa Fe shooting from the hip.  I love doing this, but usually it is with digital cameras.  Never know what you got with film.  I don't know why I'm so crazy for these, but I am. 

Selah.

Life Passes Into Pages

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James Salter, a ‘Writer’s Writer’ Short on Sales but Long on Acclaim, Dies at 90.


That was the headline in the New York Times for the story sent to me this morning by a friend.  

I knew Salter as well as anyone who has who only met him once.  I was intimate with his writing, first on an emotional and later on an academic level.  I was introduced to his work in the late 1985 when I first read "A Sport and a Pastime." I'd never read prose like that before, moodier than Hemingway but just as object-laden.  He didn't seem to need verbs to indicate action, didn't need complete sentences.  He used adjectives and objects as subjects in his incomplete sentences.  For me, it was a revelation.  He was a sensualist, an transcendental existentialist whose words brought his (and, perhaps, the reader's) world clarity and meaning.  

That is, at least, how I felt.  

In the '90s, I decided I would write a dissertation about this.  No one had.  In academia, his work had been ignored.  He was a high modernist writing when the critical world had turned postmodern.  Critical language had changed in a way that denied the exigency of his work.  I was, I thought, the man for the job.  

I met people who knew him.  He was a formal man, they said.  I was given his address in New York, his address in Colorado.  I still have his telephone number in my desk drawer.  Given what I had heard of him, though, I knew it would be stupid to contact him on my own.  I would need a formal introduction.  

As I worked on the dissertation, some good things happened.  I met Dana Gioia.  He did a reading, and afterwards wanted to get a drink.  It was too late for the others in that academic crowd, and I was well known for my ability to entertain.  I took him to a beautiful bar in an old hotel on the Boulevard.  He was a tremendously easy fellow and we got along right away.  I told him about my writing and he told me that he knew the editor at Twayne's, and that he would be interested in publishing my work.  I laughed and told him that my father-in-law was president of the company that had just bought Twayne's, so I thought I was set.  After that night, we wrote letters back and forth about the work, and he introduced me to Michael Dirda with whom I had some brief written exchanges, too.  Things seemed to be going very well then.  I had presented an important paper at a Hemingway Conference in Havana that had gotten much attention, and I was becoming friends with many of the important modernist scholars in America.  The future was bright. Etc.  

One day while doing my research, I found a disheartening piece of news.  Twayne's Authors Series was bringing out a new book on Salter.  I called to find out about this.  William Dowie, a professor at Southeastern Louisiana University, was finishing up the last edits on his book, I was told.  I wondered if they could send me an advanced edition, I asked, for my academic research.  I was told that I would need to contact him and was given a number.  He was in Upstate New York for the summer, I was told, where he worked in a summer camp run by his family.  I didn't hesitate.  I called right away.  

"Hello." 

"Hello.  I am calling for William Dowie," I said.  "I was given this number by his publisher."

"Hold on a minute.  Let me see if he is around." 

I heard children in the background, the clumping of feet across a wooden floor, what I imagined to be a screen door opening, a voice calling out, the same door opening and closing again against the sounds of summer, the clumping of feet across the floor, and then. . . 

"Hello?" 

"Hello.  Is this Professor Dowie?"

"Yes.  May I help you?"

"Yes, you're the son of a bitch who ruined my life!" I exclaimed.  There was a pause on the other end of the line. I waited a minute to laugh and then explain.  He was something, a really swell fellow.  We talked for a long time.  He had interviewed Salter on many occasions and offered me the tapes and transcripts and anything else I might need for finishing my work.  Sure, he said, he would send me the manuscript for the book.  He gave me his home number if I needed anything.  

Maybe this would all work out after all, I thought.  My work was going to be much more complicated than a Twayne's series after all.  

I called Salter's publisher, too.  They were sending me the galleys of his forthcoming memoir.  I was getting obscure publications of Salter's work like "Still Such," a strange little elegy with photographs by Duane Michals.  

That summer, the largest hurricane in history was headed toward my town.  My wife left in the morning on a flight to Oregon where she was going to work for a few days.  In preparing for the storm, I dropped a large and heavy glass table top on the big toe of my left foot.  I almost lost the toe.  

When my wife came home, she told me she wanted a divorce.  

Life changes in radical ways.  From that point forward, mine was never the same.  

Some years later, I went to New York.  Salter was reading with Michael Ondaatje at the 92nd Street Y, and Q and I went.  We had had a big day at the museums and had eaten big steaks at a famous mob restaurant with huge Peter Max paintings lining the walls.  We were in flip flops and shorts and shouldn't have been seated, but sometimes things are magical and it was early, so with a furtive glance around, the maitre d' took us to a table where we wouldn't be noticed.  After dinner, we stopped at a liquor store and bought a bottle of whiskey to take into the reading.  We found a spot close to the stage and tried furtively to pour ourselves a couple drinks.  The woman sitting next to us looked over and commented.  

"Would you like some?" 

"Sure," she said.  

We began chatting, of course.  She was a brand new professor at Columbia University, young and fun.  We were glad to know her.  

Salter read from a book of new stories.  His choice was dreadful.  

After the reading there was a book signing.  Q and I waited until everyone else had gotten their autographs before we went to the table.  Salter was ready to get out, ready for the cocktails and chatter that would follow.  Q went first.  Salter got a big kick out of Q and they chatted like they were very good friends for quite awhile.  Then me.  I knew from the first glance that Salter didn't care for me at all.  His look was much like the looks I have gotten from other male authors.  He didn't want to chat.  He barely signed the book.  I no longer remember which book it was nor where it might be now.  I'm glad I never called him.  

He lost something, of course, in his later years.  But he wrote three remarkable books that cannot be denied:  "A Sport and a Pastime,""Light Years," and his memoir, "Burning the Days." If you want your heart broken over and over in the most beautiful way, you must read them.  

Salter, by all accounts, lived a marvelous life full of regret and sadness.  As the obituary in the Times ends, “Life passes into pages if it passes into anything.”  

What pages. 

The Old Double Whammy

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It is Father's Day.  I got nothin' there either way.  So. . . it is the summer solstice--the first day of summer.  I've got something there, just like everybody else.  Equal light and dark.  Like this photograph. Summer brings heat and frustration here in the swampy south.  It is the mold and mildew season, the time of rotting vegetation.  Nothing blooms.  Things just grow and get a dark, dark green. The world closes in.  It is suffocating.  All you can do is drink and take afternoon naps and hope somehow you are able to sleep comfortably through the night.  If you have money and leisure time, of course, you do not stay here.  Only a madman or madwoman would do that.  And that is what we get here in the sunny south--madness. 

I threw ten yards of mulch yesterday in my long, curving driveway with a pitchfork and a wheelbarrow and a rake.  It was late and the weather in the nineties.  I don't know if it was old age or heat stroke, but I am not the man I was.  At least I didn't feel I was, though I threw just as much mulch in a day as I ever had.  Now I'm Cross-Fit.  My forearms are like Popeye's.  My back is either much better or much worse.  It is sore either from muscle development or spinal grinding and nerve damage.  But when it was done, a shower and lunch felt wonderful. 


Oh--I also sprayed a Monsanto product to kill all the weeds before I mulched.  I am that way, I guess. 

I took an Emergen-C packet last night that has melatonin to help you sleep.  It was brought over by a friend and I was out of the ones I usually take, so. . . I feel like shit this morning.  Woke with a cold, too.  Slept too long too late.  I don't know.  Everything seems to be going wrong.  Adobe products are all fucked up on my computer.  Bridge won't open anything.  I've worked for hours and hours trying to get something to work right.  I've done virus checks and disc doctors and still can't get things to work.  Both mine and the tenants a.c. units went out this week and I had to spend over $500 on them. Other things, too.  The summer misery has begun, I guess.  It is long and wicked where I live. 

The antidote?  Oh, I always want to buy something.  Many things.  A Vespa and a digital Leica camera, perhaps.  Those two things are staples of life, really, practical things.  Necessities almost.  See me on a Vespa with a Leica M around my neck.  Fuck me, wouldn't I be something? 

I think I'll go weep now.  Perhaps I've started my period.  Perhaps its andropause.  Whatever it is, it needs seeing to.  Hell. . . maybe it is just Father's Day Lamentations. 

But it is most likely simply the First Day of Summer.  It will pass.  Give it time.  A whole lotta time.
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